Day 1: heartbreak
Oct 1, 2012;
haven't been to this page since forever. and frankly i thought i wouldn't need to anymore. looking at the last post that was about daniel 2 years back around this time too, it seemed so distant yet so familiar. 2 years back it was all about rejection, but yet somehow we've became the best of friends. that was kinda a weird but good ending in the end.
this isn't. i dunno where to write but here, which is sad cos i really hoped i didn't have to come back here agn. all throughout the day it was nothing but pain from heartbreak. yes im functional but just barely. it just hurts so bad....
1 year 6 mths and 6 days hasnt been long, and neither has it been short. we've had our ups and downs, laughter and tears throughout this period, and yet it all seems like a dream now. except the pain proves that it wasn't.
the pain is a reflection i guess, of how much i had hurt you, especially these past few months. only now when it backlashes at me do i truly feel the pain. the pain of losing you as a loved one. but the pain made me reflect on a lot of things. events from our past just keep filling my mind whenever i stop doing smth. i was the selfish one who thought that you would always be there for me no matter what. turns out i was wrong.
私のわがままのせいで、プライドのせいで、本気の気持ち言いなかった。本当にこんなに君に愛してるのに、君に何度も何度も傷をつけされた。結局二人も傷をつけた。でも今は何を言っても事実は変わらない。本当に別れた。
selfishness and doubt took over my heart, and i lost my mind. when you told me the very same words that i used to hurt you, i truly felt the pain that you felt when you heard them from me. i guess if it was too much for me, it was too much for you too. and you've been so tolerant to me for so long, and yet i took it all for granted.
今の私、泣きたいしか何もしたくない。君は私の心から出てから、残るのは痛みしかない。
a friend told me something today, if i really cried so badly for you, then i should think about why i cried so badly for you. but everything's too late now....
each text from you just bores another hole into my already broken heart. there's nothing left for me to expect any longer other than knowing i will probably wake up in tears the next morning, wash them off and carry on with life's duties.
君がいない世界には期待もなし、愛もなし、笑いもなくなった。
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
Apr 23, 2010;
OMG STOP EMOING!!!! LIKE SERIOUSLY!!!!!
NO I CANT HELP IT!!! TT
ARGH WE ALR TOLD YOU!!!!
I KNOW, BUT I CANT HELP IT.
REALLY LIKE HIM TOO MUCH!!!
YOU KNOW EVENTUALLY YOU WILL GET HURT.
YEAH I DO. AND EVENTUALLY EVERYTHING WILL END.
BUT UNTIL THEN.
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
heart over mind, mind over matter;
Mar 2, 2010;
looking at the last post, guess i should be glad i hadnt been here for so long. yet i dunno why im here agn, talking abt this agn.
i guess im under a lot of stress right now, feeling the consequences of dao-ing 6 wks of sch work. hall isnt really getting hiong, but it will be soon. sch work is just piling as it goes along, and i hadnt even try digging myself out of it.
but the main thing's nvr sch; it nvr was. i tot i was really getting over it, esp like since recently i was thinking abt how it's started to feel so natural and normal that it really might be normal. then i hear him talk abt his internship and everything just triggers back to reality. that my time with him is very little, and it's running out on me.
i dunno whether these mixed feelings are because i'm still very much into him, or is it just because i'm not used to (and nvr will be) the fact that i cant accept change. maybe its that. or maybe its just that i really dun wanna lose him. if so, then is it because i truly dun wanna lose him, or is it just cause i dun wan anything to change around me? if its the latter, then obviously im being too selfish.
algebra mid term's tml, and i hadnt started on it much. not to mention i got tutorials and lab and cca work to do. somehow i feel i really need to wake up and stop being a kid.
its time to grow up, and i guess my 20th is the day to start the gears turning.
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
sem 2 wk 3.... and everything just seems so wrong
Jan 28, 2010;
its wk 3 of sem 2 alr, but everything just feels so unreal.... life is weird, now that i live in hall, sleep cycle messed up, totally sian attitude towards sch and stuff (which isnt a gd thing at all)
and its seems so obvious to everyone. my roomie keeps asking me if im ok, my neighbour too... i dunno if im really ok or not. maybe im just tired, maybe im nt.
i should be studying real hard to pull up my cap, get good grades, stop my parents from worrying for me. but.... i cant bear to do hw, cutting so classes and lectures alr... im like real sian of sch.
hall is good, its fun of cos, but nonetheless unreal too. new friends and old come tgt and have fun, but somehow im nt enjoying myself to the fullest. maybe thats cos i only have one source of happiness (or two)
problems arise too, old and new. although the old one seem so sian alr. keeps resurfacing and rearing its ugly head at me all the time. sometimes i think if i should just really let go for both our sakes. but its really too hard for me. and yet i keep feeling like im filling up this bottomless pit...
people who dunno think we're good, but we're nt. its such a facade that i have to maintain, so that the dream will stay a dream, and nt become a nightmare. everything just seems so easy and happy when we dun say anything, but once we do, it just adds another stab into the already broken heart. for him its easy, cos he's clear abt the way he feels. for me its not, cos i cant change my feelings. and as i continue playing this fake role in order to nt change the status quo, the heart will still keep hurting, no matter what.
sometimes i think its just so simple, yet it isnt. its nt simple because i dun wan it to be, because i cant let him go. and i foolishly think that as long as im by his side no matter what status, i'll be happy. but im nt. and the pain is as much as the happiness. so should i let go, or not?
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
reflections I
Nov 29, 2009;
its been so long since i've blogged. and since i only blog when i feel emo, i guess it's a good sign? lols
but i guess this time i have both good and bad stuff to talk abt i think. Exams are almost over so the stress level is all gone... and im really looking forward to dec for so many things, nt to mention jan when fel comes back ^^. but somehow i guess as time sped thru this 1st sem of mine i totally dun have time to reflect at all. and i guess i really need to.
life's been good and bad to me so far. hadn't had much problems with school and family, which i'm really thankful for. this sem had some sad events happening too, but they're didnt affect me much cos i had such great ppl around me to pull me through.
i guess it just boils down to the fact that i have a lot of thank for.
thanks to pat, xy, yuling and the ddp ppl; they've made my math life so much better;
thanks to old frenz like minghui (loveya! ahaha) who'd played a part and luckily is still and hopefully will be, playing a part in my uni life too.
thanks to new frenz such as eileen, huiping, heryih, jossiar, calistia,hoining ; new frenz are great, and the times we spent, whether short or long, are always enjoyable. you guys are great, and thanks for tolerating with my nonsense.
thanks to jss people who've had lessons with me; rin, joce, ben,yonggi, jade, weiquan, qiying; its been great having lessons and lectures with you guys, and thanks for being ever so patient with me;
thanks to jss exco; it's been great working with you guys and i hope sem 2 would be even better. even though we had some difficulties along the way, we'd grown to be alot better. and we had a lot of fun outside work too so that was nice, bonding tgt~
thanks to the people who'd been my listening ear: sand, rin, joce, carol,en hua; i know im naggy, i know i like to complain, but im glad that you're there to listen to me and give me advice ^^
thanks to ddongs: i know i've haven been talking to you guys alot, haven been hanging out a lot. and i've pulled the blogshop project far too behind. im really sorry and im thankful that you guys understand and are always there for me.
and of cos last but nvr the least,
i'm thankful for you, nii-sama ^^. for everything i guess. i'm glad i took the first approach, cos it definitely wasnt a wrong choice; im thankful for your company, the fun and laughter that we had, the care and concern you had for me. even though there were tough times, im glad you were there for me. despite some things, i'm glad that nothing has changed btwn us, and i hope we'll get even closer and understand each other better ^^.
somehow i guess i sorta know how you feel now; i saw fel's fb and i realised that im actually nt as close to them as i thought i was. maybe thats how it was; i nvr really was close to them, i just thought i was. sighs, even though i have my own clique, i still wan somewhr where i actually belong in jss. i hope i do...
i guess i'll stop for now. there' still part two for reflections haha afterall, shant say so much yet~
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
Nov 14, 2009;
i dunno why...
but.....
i feel like hugging bunny-neko.
omg i cant believe i said that.
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
Nov 13, 2009;
currently listening: one less lonely girl by justin bieber
currently feeling: reflective
end of wk 13... start of reading wk... preparing for exams are sure stressful...
end of wk 13... end of 09/10 sem I... looking back many things have happened in my life that has enriched and made me grow up...
new friends, new experiences, new understandings....
uni life sure has provided me with a lot of surprises and entertainment.... from jss Ocamp, to becoming exco, making new frenz from jss/class, finding old frenz, feeling new (or old) emotions, having close frenz and bonds.... working tgt with frenz, learning new things in life and school....
i'm glad that i made that first step of joining the Ocamp. i guess if it wasnt for that 1st step, i'd never have such a fruitful life at all... i'm thankful for all that has happened to me, and im even mroe hopeful for whats to come in sem 2 (except for my grades ahha)
ok shall stop distracting myself and go back to studying~
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
