emotionally down
Aug 7, 2008;
think im going crazy soon. its like i totally broke down for no reason whatsoever in school today. im shocked myelf la(bet
he thinks im a total crybaby) but i guess all the cooped up stuff just has to come out lor. i wonder if i was shocked that like what sj said or by the fact that cos they made the decision within themselves that rudely woke me up that im. still. not. one of them.
or maybe its cos of the stupid talk in the morning, about emotional first aid (which i badly need). i had to ignore it and sleep through it, partly cos i was real tired and cos, well, if i listened to it any longer i'd broken down in tears or smth. its real hard to survive in the social world. it sucks totally. and carol's not with me (gosh it wouldnt be like that if i took her advice)to pull me out, although she cant do anything much even if she was here anyway.
i guess thats how a 98% personality disorder person acts like. you try to magnify and immerse in the happy thoughts, but eventually you're still harping and drowning in the sad nightmares. and then, just a spark and it explodes = the process of a suicider. and the worse part? there's no one there to pull you along. in the end the true unchanging dark fact: you're alone, there's no one you can trust or depend on.
sure, people need social relationships to get along with life. but mine's are like hair -- snap and you're done. its like i rather not go to school (and go thru the same thing everyday) and stay at home and surf CR. at least the friends over internet are more open to discussions of similar interests (which may explain why i thought i was close to
him bad idea.) plus the anonymity of the internet allows you to talk freely (unlike the "no la, i think its cos..." which i can never pull off-- sry for being too frank)
social relationships are so vulnerable. it makes me sick and weak everytime i have to experience it. like, does it have to repeat itself everywhere i go? its sickening.
i rather be like the joker, live as though human relationships are just part of an experimental process and watch it burn eventually like the illusions of the world, never be bound by mere relationships that only serve to hurt.
of course being like joker is totally impossible, but still, if i could just cross over to the point where relationships mean nothing, yeah that'll be good.
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
