just ranting... again
May 5, 2009;
hmmm... its been so long since i've blogged and so much has happened over the past few months....
missed a few dd outings, went for job interviews (and still no job), making enw friends at tuition centres (what a small world), going through one of the phases of the life cycle, uni applications and admissions.... but i haven felt that i needed to reflect as today...
was surfing facebook cos there was nothing for me to do, so i decided to check up on other people's lives.... as I looked through the profiles of people i knew, it just got me thinking: have i got control of my life at all?
not that im sinking in depressions or killing myself with drugs, but have i really done my best for the past 5 years? the people i've known do thats for sure... as they get their jobs, scholarships and applications to study overseas, i've really started to wonder. these were the people that i was on the level as before, and they have fulfilled their dreams and goals, but have I?
sure, im going to the faculty of my choice, abt to study the course that i love, but it just seems all too compromised and... well, accepted. if i didnt get the choice i wanted, i'd most probably settle for the 2nd best and live with it my whole life.
thats not me. that nvr was me. i didnt used to be like that. in the past i was all so competitive and geared towards success and the top spots. what happened to that side of me?
was it cos of the psle score that i'd gotten that led to my downfall? or was it just pure laziness? or rather, was it cos of the change in my family that led to my conformity? In the past, my father would always go," you have to do better, because you can". and now it's just "as long as you've done ur best". was it because that i was so used to him pushing me that i've become dependent on him?
or even more so, have i become so mentally weak and uninspired to the point where i need other people in my life to push me on?
no matter what has happened, i have to take the blame and consequences for it. For it is me who judge and walk my life; no one else should be taking over that position. I have become weak and laidback for the past 5 years, but change is never too late to arrive. August would be the month where I enter university; the month which shall change everything. I may very well be the fresh start i've been seeking and yearning for; because even if I can't soar as high as my friends now, I will be able to in future; and nothing, nothing will ever be able to stop me then.
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
