the tears of the clown behind that big red smile;
Sep 14, 2009;
currently listening: to my bro watching rock band on youtube.
currently feeling: sad (why whould i blog otherwise?)
i really dunno what to feel now. i know its my stupid feelings running amok, and my stupid brain telling me to hang on to that little piece of "hope" that nvr existed. its like clinging onto a faux rock for ur dear life.
what en said was true. my indecisiveness is the root of my pain, not him. and carol's right; im always rushing into things. but its nt about me rushing into this; its abt how i wanna get away, how i wanna stop. so that it wont hurt as much in future(not that its not hurting enough now).
like an addiction, i can't stay away from him for long. i'm like slowly playing into his unintentional "game", and i can't get out of it. it's better this way, at least i'm around him. but i dun wanna stay this way forever. sand says there's a chance, but i know there isnt.
i'm happy now, but not in the way i wanna be. and i dun know how long i can keep up with the clown mask; he's starting to notice my pretense. some dark secrets must nvr be revealed, esp this one, which, like the clock striking twelve, will turn everything back to dust.
.... dun wanna wake up from this dream ....
